Sunday, 20 November 2016

When Darkness Reigns: Thoughts On Depression

The first step towards healing & over-coming anything in one's life, is to admit one has a problem. 

I have not been shy about sharing that I battle with depression, along with extreme anxiety, panic attacks, & previously an eating disorder (which I still, on the occasion, fight with).

This year has been really rough. 
And yet there have been some pretty awesome things too. 
It's been a non-stop roller coaster of ups & downs, and I alternate between feeling like a warrior & then feeling like a coward. 

I share this not looking for sympathy, but rather with the hopes that it will help me continue to move forward & perhaps let others know they are not alone & to keep going. ♥

Today, I am going to be brutally honest. 
Let the chips fall where they may.
Judge me however you will. 
In the end, it's only the Creator's opinion I care about. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
There are some weeks where I feel in complete control of my emotions, my soul & the spiritual world around me. 

I can remain calm.
I can stay content.
I can be happy.
I can observe nature.
I can focus on the job ahead.
I can tell the darkness to leave.
I can spread love, kindness & Light.

Life is good.
I know who I am.
And most importantly, I am proud of who I am & content with how I was made.

{Image Found Via We Heart It~Original Photographer or Model Unknown}

Then there are weeks where reality gets to me & the soul within me goes to a place that is hard to come back from.

I feel like a failure.
I am scared I'll be alone all my life.
The loneliness is crushing, making it hard to breathe.
The sadness is overwhelming.
I stop being able to see beauty & instead only see the bars that entrap me.
All I see is darkness & people being cruel.

The last few days have been dark.
Hard to

But I am learning.

Wisdom is often born in the darkest of circumstances.
And I know it is crucial to talk about the bad times, not just the good moments.
Because through talking & sharing, you can move on & often help others too.

I was raised to think it is not acceptable to talk about depression & demons.
That to acknowledge you battle with darkness is to show weakness.
You can't be seen as weak.
You have to have it all together.

Well, I don't.

I am full of flaws & mistakes.
Any strength or courage I show is purely Grace & the determination to inspire others.
And that is entirely, completely, absolutely, 100% OKAY!!!

{Image Found Via We Heart It~ Original Photographer Unknown}
I feel everything.
I feel it deeply.
Then, I let it go.
So I can feel new emotions.
Today I will feel sad...lost...scared...alone...hopeless...
Maybe tomorrow I will feel the opposite emotions!

I will remind myself that God is still there.
That He hasn't forgotten I exist, even though it feels that way.

I will remind myself that faith was "created" for these valleys.
I will become stronger...wiser...
I will control the darkness; the demons will bow down to the Creator who lives inside me.

And one day I will understand it & by.

{Image Found Via We Heart It~ Original Photographer Or Designer Unknown}


  1. Dead on, my love!! Thanks for the reminder that it's okay to exlerience and feel those emotions! I'm someone who, too, feela things very deeply and passionately, ans I feel like a lot of the time, we are subtly taught that that's not okay. But it IS! That's who God made me!! Live you! Thanks for the timely encouragement!!

  2. This is a wonderful post, Bekah! Thank you for being so candid. I feel like it's really important to be able to talk about things like depression...I mean, I was raised on the idea that Christians can't be depressed. But that is so wrong (and probably a dangerous perspective)! I battled depression during my pregnancy, and am currently fighting postpartum depression. It's really hard for me to talk about because I don't know how people will react, but my husband has been such a good source of support in these times, and I'm glad I'm able to be open with him.


  3. We think about you often and pray you'll find courage to face whatever each day brings. "...And underneath are the everlasting arms."
    Bob & Chris

  4. So beautifully written! Words that fall short many of us. You are so right that talking about depression will help you and others. I have no idea how we got to the point of shaming those with depression. I think it may be because little is understood about it. I have had these same feelings and it helped me tremendously to see a therapist. You may need medication to help. Don't be ashamed, if you had diabetes you would get help. Thank you for being so honest about your feelings. Hugs and love to you. xo ♥